Question:
What is self-image? How is it created? What have we brought from our past lives and how much of it is accumulated in this life? (How the self-image is created, because of the past or the present?)
Common suggestion heard on social media is “don’t create more accounts”. What does this mean?
Runanubandha also talks about settling the past accounts. What is this about?
Sometimes we know we are in a toxic situation but we take a long time to move out of it. Even though we know that moving out of it will be beneficial but still we drag-on in it. Why? (Despite knowing that the transaction is toxic, why do we we keep transacting)
Two ways to deal with difficult situations: letting go or holding on. Is it that we need more strength to hold on to such situations and letting go is easier?
Discussion:
The questions asked are more like deliberations and depend on the current stage of discussion and energies of the participants.
Analogy: reflection of a person in a mirror house where one person can generate multiple reflections. Using the “नेति नेति” (न इति न इति not this, not this) principle we have to break multiple reflections to find the person in the house.
There are many self-images; as seen by our parents, partner, children, different people etc. Basically when you talk about image you’re talking about the definition and not the real you. You’re not referring to the original. You’re talking about the image. The physical format of image is visible in the mirror and the mental format is visible in the mann. The image is about the psychological aspect and not the physical aspect. Different people can have different perspectives and ideas of the same image.
When a baby sees itself for the first time in the mirror it does not recognise that the reflection is him. It thinks the reflection is someone else. Later when they know the reality they start making faces and enjoying the reflection.
When a child is small we call it using endearing names but as they grow up the names become less loving. The child is aware of this and it leaves an impact on the child, they label themselves with those names. All incidents in our lives leave an impression on us. The place where these impressions are formed is given (pre-decided/brought by us).
Siblings can behave differently to the same parenting. The reason for this difference is that each individual has come with their own blank slate. How something gets written on this blank slate depends on what material the slate is made of. We brought something as our slate. Are the experiences being imprinted on the slate with a chisel-hammer or a permanent marker or an erasable ink? Sometimes we are not aware of what we are using as the writing material. This is either awareness or unawareness of the material used.
The component of the self; the slate of self, the book and pen; we have brought this with our birth. What are we writing on it is the truth of the moment. Whether the writing is permanent or erasable is decided by our runanubandha with that person with whom we transact.
So three components are:
- What we have brought with us from our past or the given; the properties of the writing material- Internal part
- How I perceive or process the experience in that moment; free will or a choice – External part
- The reason why the experience happened to the person is due to runanubandha; it was destined.- Interactional part
The control of the external part is in our hands. If we can control this external part then we do not become a slave to our self-image. Human tendency is to become a slave to our self-image. It is not possible to not form an image and this can be a boon or a bane.
Even a one year old has a free will and can exercise its choices. We paint or create a picture of a self every day. This picture can attain new colours every day. The colours can change over a period of time too.
Question:
In the current moment we might feel that earlier we did not have the understanding of something.
Discussion:
This thought is a bhram/ an illusion. Understanding has 2 levels; the cognitive and the emotive. Emotive understanding can happen from the day we are born too.
Question:
Is this understanding stored somewhere?
Discussion:
The emotions felt by even a one day old are getting stored. Even a new born has an understanding. His internal and interactional components are important. External is less important.
Even animals have a natural instinct to know how to cure themselves. Then humans, being evolved species, also definitely have the intrinsic knowledge of self-preservation. The process of bringing up children is actually making the spiritual entity into a social entity. Man is a social animal and hence the task of parenting and society is to bring up a child who is socially acceptable. In the process the spiritual connect of the child is restricted.
With modernization and the understanding of hygiene and the invention of gadgets we have moved away from natural methods of living and healing. We have become weaker physically and psychologically because immunity is no longer as strong as it used to be before the invention of gadgets and the away-from-nature (chemical based) concept of hygiene. Though the same has increased our longevity but it has not decreased the suffering.
Analogy: trees are being grown in such a way that they should not shed their leaves nor should the leaves turn yellow. Now there are too many leaves on the trees and all the leaves are not getting enough sunlight for photosynthesis.
The understanding of a one day child is spiritual, that of a one year old child is emotional. At two or three years of age the child has a cognitive understanding (teaching different subjects) and from five to seven years of age the understanding is social (how to behave with others). These are the different intelligences of a child. And we think the child who has good cognitive and social understanding is a good child. The problems being faced about image today in society is because we pay less attention to the emotional and spiritual intelligence. We have collectively over-ridden the spiritual intelligence thinking it is of no use. Socially, self-survival is promoted. Wisdom of the scriptures is limited to discussions only.
The psychological aspect of self-image:
Self-image means how we look in the reflection in a mirror. Now this reflection does not depend on us but it depends on the mirror whether it is a coloured one or a convex mirror or a concave mirror etc. Society has created many such mirrors such as the mirror of caste, region, creed, language, gender etc., and in these mirrors we check our image. We feel that these reflectors are not in our control. The person with spiritual intelligence knows that this is external. A one year child does not have to look into these social mirrors to form its image as it is born with spiritual intelligence; though it knew all about images when it chose the womb. It has nothing to do with these social images at this age and if this detachment could have continued then the spiritual intelligence of the child would have remained intact. But it gets entangled in the image slowly due to the gender, language, society and other differences. Now it is beginning to create its own image due to the norms of the family, education system and the society. The child is groomed to fit into all these aspects. The compulsion to fit into a certain image gives very less ‘degrees of freedom’ (statistics, how many variables you can change). You are expected to behave in a certain way and follow the timeline defined by the society of education, job, marriage, bearing children etc. Among all of this, beauty and money is rated the highest by society and people who possess this are the ones who are always afraid of losing their self-image. The society does not allow us to move away from the parameters defined by it about self-image. The ones who did not get entangled in the trap of self-image became spiritual greats like Gautam Buddha, Mahavir, Vardhaman.
The journey of spirituality is outside the parameters of self-image and society strengthens the importance of self-image (prapancha). In spirituality self-image has no place. Your self-image is just a reflection. Understand your core and undertake the journey for the uplifting/ evolution of your essence. If you get caught up in the importance of your self-image then you will move away from your core. What it takes to reach the core is the spiritual intelligence. Our image is given to us by the society. We were born with an image or the blueprint of life which is to fulfil the purpose of our life. Our environment like parents, schooling, peers try to redraw this blueprint as per their understanding.
Analogy: an elephant trainer ties a baby elephant with thicker chains and an adult elephant with just a rope because the adult elephant has been trained to respond to the constraints and stay within its defined limits whereas the baby elephant is yet to be tamed. So the baby elephant tries to get its freedom back and exerts more force to break free and so it is tied with thicker chains. The adult elephant doesn’t even try to break free, which it could easily do, because the rope tying it down is thin. A goat, who is used to being tied down by a rope every day, will behave as if it is tied down even if the caretaker merely does the action of tying it down without an actual rope.
Humans are also tied down similarly by the shackles of jobs, careers, marriage. We are not supposed to break away from the shackles but the illusion of the bondage strengthens our self-image. The illusion that I am bound by relations and duties and cannot break it, strengthens the self-image. All the runanubandha (from our past lives) bind us as the accounts are pending. All these bonds; from family, society and runanubandha, which we believe we cannot break, create our self-image. The image tells us we are domesticated beings and not wild/free beings. This domestication is called socialization. Our domestication decides us our limits and our duties and conditioning.
Discussion next question on toxic relationships
Some bonds are toxic and recurrently hurtful and we are aware of the humiliation caused by it. The moment we say we know this humiliation, it means that person is suffering under the self-image. According to spirituality no relationship is toxic. Every relationship has a purpose. As soon as you get the insight of the purpose of the relationship, the relationship is no longer toxic. The relationship that I consider to be toxic is actually hurting my self-image. And here the society tells me not to step-out of my self-image. The person who is denting my self-image will naturally seem toxic to me. Maybe the person is trying to pull me out of my trap of my self-image. Most likely that is why that person is around me. I am transacting with the toxic person also means that I have a runanubandha with this person. Saying that a relationship is toxic is denial of receiving insights through the interaction. We want to end the interaction but not gain insights from it.
Analogy: when we are served something bitter in our dinner plate which also has other tasty food, we tend to eat the bitter food first to get over the bitter taste and then enjoy the tasty food. But the server thinks that we enjoy the bitter food that is why we ate it first; and so immediately serves us more of the bitter food. Now, we have the choice to either to not eat it at all or eat it at the end of the meal or eat only as much we can tolerate.
How we deal with the toxic person sets the tone of their recurrent behaviour. We are not out-right rude to that person either as that behaviour is not consistent with our self-image. We’ve been conditioned to be respectful and not be brash with anyone. We want to get done with the toxic transactions as soon as possible. Then, like the above analogy, more of the same problems come your way. So what should be strategy? Exercise the choice as given in the above analogy of food.
We have a certain image of the person who is toxic to us. Though they behave badly with us, we behave in a manner that is not hurtful to them because of their image that we carry. So, now, it is not about me but about that person also. We are dealing with two self-images; my own self-image and their image that we form in our mind.
All these social interactions that we have, is a game of images. People don’t talk to a person but interact with the image of that person that they have formed in their own mind. Image formation is a habit and we form images of everyone, including our own.
In toxic relationships, when A talks to B’s image in A’s mind, B tries to fit into that image. And when B is taking to the image of A in B’s mind, A doesn’t reciprocate to it. Because A is not behaving according to the image of A formed in B’s mind. A sometimes talks from beyond the ego and is unavailable to B when he needs that image the most. Such relationships are toxic. “B wants something exact from A and A precisely denies that to B as if he is trying to humiliate or belittle B or prove to him he is a loser/fool etc. as if B is at the mercy of A. And this happens recurrently. Now, B is unable to react to this behaviour of A because B is fitted into his own image. B is not breaking the self-image. So the toxic relationship is that I fight myself to break my own image and fight to break the other person’s image which is not compatible with the perception of the image.
When we realise that a relationship is toxic, instead of working on the relationship we need to work on our freedom. We need to change our image in his eyes. If you think that your changing the image will dent his priorities/preferences/needs or requirements; that is his problem not yours.
When we realise that we are in a toxic relationship, the time is not to work on the person or to throw him out. The time is to work on you, and not absorb toxicity from that person. You can’t walk away from the situation or change the other person. All you need to do is protect yourself or at least do damage control.
The thought that I am free is also an image. Till the time we are in our body we are bound to our image. When we break one image we will create a new one. We cannot be without an image; ours or others. We have to be mindful to not make the image concrete. It should be flowing/ malleable/ melting so that new shape can be created and find a new ‘me’.
When we pursue our hobbies or do things that give us pleasure; we can wet our image, soften it and change it. When we get caught up in our daily mundane social pursuits (of career/status) we strengthen our image and get entangled in it. We nurture this image.
Murders and suicides are pathological connections to images which can land a person is hospital/jail/suicide/mental asylum/ICU. Coming out of this circle is spirituality. Society created religion so that people are not bound by extreme images (concepts of paap, punya, maafi, swarg, narak).
The moment you realise you are in a toxic relationship you must ask:
- why is this person in your life
- what lesson do you have to learn through this toxicity which is apparent
Toxicity is like the churning of the sea where first poison came out and then amrit. The poison must be handled before we can enjoy the nectar. Similarly, we must handle the toxicity instead of humiliating the toxic person and remove him from our life. If we are doing it with assertiveness (no negativity in our mind) and handle the toxic person with the intention of protecting or forgiving our self and not with the intention of hurting them, then that insult is not an insult. Eg movie Badalte Rishte. The person who is behaving badly has a pure intention. You need not be a bad person to behave badly. Your behaviour is exterior and your intention is interior. Till your interior is good, you are spiritual. When the exterior is affected by the intention to hurt, then your interior is contaminated and unspiritual. That is why sometimes you have to put your foot down; call a spade a spade; tell that enough is enough; this far and no further; get lost. The one who can’t say this assertively doesn’t know how to draw boundaries. Don’t allow the person to cross your boundaries. The one who can’t draw boundaries is slave of his own image. You have the freedom to move around within your defined boundaries but someone else takes you for granted and tries to step into your boundary or draw you out of your boundary. You can do a surgical attack at this point, hit him, and come back to your boundaries. You need not be confined to the territory of your image while doing the surgical strike. You have the right to protect your territory by hitting where it hurts and come back. So that the person does not take you for granted and not dare to invade your boundaries again and again. Doing this stike is de-contamination of our image. Toxic relationship is an opportunity to de-contaminate your self-image and that is where the evolution of your image will happen. This will help you understand ‘who am I’. All the toxic people in our lives are here to help introduce us to ourselves; ‘who are you’. वयम् पुत्रस्य अमृतस्य (translates to “We are children of immortality,” or “We are the children of the immortal.”) We are alive and cannot behave like the dead. We should honour the self-respecting ability of the living but not with ego (ahankar). This protects you from being harsh and avoids collateral damage.
Next question on don’t create new account:
Basically toxic relationships come in our life for a spiritual purpose. They are there to help you to understand ‘who am I’ and to help you go beyond your image and connect to the real self. The self, here, is a reflected image. Loving such people or hating such people or being angry with them leads to the creation of a new account with them. New account is not dependent on the number of people you have in your life. The interaction or transaction with the person should be final. It should not be done periodically but in every moment. Having expectations from others can also create new accounts. Do good to others and forget it. Neki kar, dariya me daal. So, before going to bed, people with whom we have behaved well, tell them your love for them was this far; don’t call me back. And the ones whom we have hated ask for their forgiveness. This way we can stop the opening new accounts.
Conclusions:
The relationships that come in our life have been chosen by us from the higher realms of existence; we choose our parents and our experiences too. What we chose, we forgot to record on the medium which we are born with because, since childhood, we the spiritual entity, were conditioned to become a social animal. The inner child healing works on accepting that whatever our parents did for us or whatever happened to us, happened for our good. But my ultimate good I alone know it.
People behave with us based on our runanubandha with them.
When we are not able to guard our boundaries it is called a social trap. We are trapped by the society in that image. The trap is such that it is difficult to come out of it. That is how the society is built. Spiritual people live in this society without getting entangled in it. They are not confined by the society but they belong to it. We need to be sensitive and compassionate and have empathy towards all without getting entangled.
Social entanglement is not letting us continue to be spiritual beings. Image is evidence to say that society is not acknowledging that we are spiritual beings. Spiritual beings don’t need an image. We should acknowledge ourselves as spiritual beings.
Twins are individual consciousness that have decided to take birth from a common womb. They were not always together in eternity. Both have separate paths and journeys and purposes.
Be aware and beware of your self-image and let it be flexible. Don’t let the society impose any image on you. Choose your image and be adaptive about it, don’t concretize it.
To be able to choose our image according to the person or situation is mukti according to spirituality. But we behave like dependent slaves to our image.
Society is a mirror. We don’t have to look into it to see our self.
